The Reality Collection

Wer Regeln braucht, bekommt sie auch.

Dank an Martin Abend und micha für die Hinweise im AS-Forum.

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Wer immer Cub Koda ist: Er hat Recht. (Aus dem Steelguitarforum)

CUB KODA'S 36 NEW RULES FOR BANDS IN THE 21st CENTURY:

Never start a trio with a married couple.
Your manager's not helping you. Fire him/her.
Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the dictionary.
No one cares who you've opened for.
A string section does not make your songs sound any more "important".
If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it's time to break up.
When you talk on stage you are never funny.
If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their music ("Oh does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?")
Asking a crowd 'how they're doing' is just amplified small talk. Don't do it.
Don't say your video's being played if it's only on the Austin Music Network.
When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention "artistic freedom" and "a guaranteed 3 record deal".
When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever and you asked to be let go.
Never name a song after your band.
Never name your band after a song.
When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY.
Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If you do you're already a loser.
Learn to recognize scary word pairings: "rock opera", "white rapper", "blues jam", "swing band", "open mike", etc.
Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.
Listen, either break it to your parents or we will; it's rock 'n' roll, not a soccer game. They've gotta stop coming to your shows.
It's not a "showcase". It's a gig that doesn't pay.
No one cares that you have a web site.
Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
Don't hire a publicist.
Playing in San Marcos & Alpine doesn't mean you're on tour.
Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don't join a cover band.
Although they come in different styles and colors, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?
Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what girlfriends/boyfriends are for.
If you use a smoke machine your music sucks.
We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got for Christmas.
Remember, if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them?
If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know where or when it will turn up.
Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.
Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.
Rock oxymorons; "major label interest", "demo deal"," blues genius", "$500 guarantee", and "Fastball's second hit".
3 things that are never coming back: a) gongs, b) headbands, and c) playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.

Hier geht es weiter, die Buddyhead Rules of Rock:

Don't misspell any words in your band's name. Many bands opt to switch the letter 'I' for the letter 'y'. This is cool if you're into everyone with 1/8 to 1/6 a brain assuming that you are a crappy jock/rap/metal band. For instance, Limp Bizkit, Strait Up, and Korn are all these type of bands. Are any of them good? Check and mate.
Avoid using food products in your band's name. Chances are you'll misspell it anyways. Also, chances are you'll pick some crappy food over a tasty one.
Don't wear your band's own shirts. No exceptions or excuses accepted. Don't think the "but I'm on tour and we haven't been able to wash our clothes, it's the only thing clean I had to wear" story is gonna fly… wear the dirty shirt, you're a rocker my friend.
Don't play reggae unless you are in Bad Brains.
Cowboy hats are for cowboys only. That is why they are called cowboy hats. You aren't Madonna nor are you trend setting. And unless your main transportation is a horse just don't wear a cowboy hat, or you're a total poser cowboy.
This one here is a no brainer and it's mainly, but not solely, directed towards the ska bands. DO NOT insert the name of your genre, or something related to your genre into your band's name. You don't see any good bands attempt this. (except Metallica, but they have songs about satan so it's cool) The best solution to this problem is to not start a ska band in the first place, cos not only are ska bands just itching to break this rule and prove their dorkdom, but nobody's scoring gash with a ska band anyway.
Avoid using the words theory, project, or plan in the title of your band name.
Don't play funk. Don't even joke about playing funk.
Mc Hammer pants aren't cool anymore, don't wear them. Yeah, Fred, we're talking to you.
Visors on band members (or anyone for that matter) earn yourself a bitch slap. If you have your visor sideways, upside down, or both your penalty increases to additional groin area pummeling.
For shows, props are generally a bad idea. They usually stimulate the audience's what-the-hell sensors. If you do decide to use one, make sure it's small and you don't spend most of your time playing with it. Unless of course you are the Beastie Boys, it's 1986, you're opening for Madonna, and you have a giant two story penis on stage.
If your band has a cozy fan base of say, five, skip out on the huge rock star banner. It is key to grasp the idea that people don't operate on the if-they-have-a-banner-they-have-to-be-good mentality.
Never ever have all members wear the same shirt. This is a ridiculous concept and should not be explained.
If you're playing your hometown, don't say, "What's up (town)". This phrase is reserved for the out of town and/or touring bands. You might make them mad by stealing their pep speech.
If you're playing outside of your hometown, don't say, "What's up (town)". This phrase screams shoot me in the face.
Preaching is for church, shut up and rock.
Cordless guitars are only ok if your first name is Eddie, your last name is Van Halen, and you kick ass at playing a guitar with a power drill. If this is not the case, don't venture there.
Playing your guitar up by your neck makes you look like a geek. Period. If you need an example, take a cue from a few of the greats… look at Slash's guitar height, or maybe take a peek at where Duff let the bass rest, or possibly look at just how low Krist Noviselic rode his rock axe.
If you play bass make sure you have only 4 strings. If you play guitar make sure you only have 6 or less. If you play drums know that if your set looks like something Tommy Lee would play while hanging upside down, you are a jackass. You don't need 12 cymbals fruitcake.
Gold hardware and/or wood stained anything is a no-no. Ditto for neon anything.
White cordless mics were used by Vanilla Ice, don't travel the same road.
Unless you are an immortal rock god, spitting or throwing water into the crowd instantaneously eliminates any chance you had at getting laid that night. It may ensure you getting your ass kicked though.
Covering new wave songs, oldies, or current Top 40 songs means your band sucks mad horse dong. The "hey wouldn't it be funny to cover that N'sync song and make it punk" idea is about as funny as a knee to the crotch.
If all of your songs are about how much you miss your girlfriend, do us all a favor and instead of touring, stay home geek.
Kick out the fat guy, he's the reason you are never gonna be big.
If you're fat, kick yourself out, you're blowing it for the rest of the band.
If you're a metal band, make sure that you are a metal band before you say you are a metal band. A pretty fool proof test is to ask yourself if you think Rob Halford would be into your band back in the days when Judas Priest was the shit.
If you have a DJ make sure he at least has two turntables. We actually recommend no DJ, but if you gotta go there...
We take that back. No DJ's. This DJ in bands shit has to stop now.
Shave. Beards = blowing it.
Don't wear backwards baseball caps, unless you're the Beastie Boys.
Use a pick. If you play slap bass you need your fingers broken.
Don't tell the crowd what they can and can't do. You're not in Fugazi. If you want to be a cop, get off the stage and go join the police academy champ.
Unless you're the headliner you shouldn't be playing hour and a half sets, keep it short. The idea that, "Hey these people don't seem to like us, maybe they just didn't like those songs, let's play some more until we play one they like" is never accurate. Get off the stage. We want to go home.

und das Gleiche für Zuschauer:

Don't sing if you aren't one of the dudes on stage getting paid to do it. Nobody paid their hard-earned money to hear your dorky, untalented ass sing. We came to hear the dudes on stage sing. Paying 40 bucks to go see Tool, but instead of hearing Maynard, you get the dorkus malorkus with mad zits standing next to you singing "Sober" really loudly and out of key in your ear is enough to murder mother fuckers for.
Also, if the singer on stage does decide to either: pass the mic around for the "sing along" song, or: motion to the audience to sing aloud at key moments, and you know beforehand that your singing ability is severely limited, you MUST waive your "sing along" rights. Leave the crowd participation parts to those that do not fall under the "musically retarded" category.
This is possibly the oldest rule in the book… yeah, you know what we're talking about… don't be THAT guy. We KNOW you like the band, that's why you're here, you don't need to wear their SHIRT to their show as well.
Also, no wearing shirts of ex-bands either. That means no Nirvana shirts at the Foo Fighters show, no Jawbreaker shirts at the Jets to Brazil show, no Minor Threat shirts at the Fugazi show etc.
The "merch guy" is not your friend. In fact, all the merch guy wants to do is get through the night without having to talk to your lame ass. That means that he doesn't want a copy of your weak ass emo band's demo to pass along to the band. The only reason he might talk to you is because you either A) Know where to get drugs. B) Your girlfriend is hot, and by talking to you he can K.G.B. his way into her pants. C) You are willing to pay him for the time in his life that he's wasted talking about how much he likes the band's first out of print seven inch D) Know where he can get either drunk or high for free or E) He's making fun of you. Most likely it's E. In fact, it's mostly E, I mean look at yourself, you're striking up conversation with a merch jockey.
Dancing is ok, as long as you don't get all fruity. Air-instruments are NOT ok. That includes: air-guitar, air-drums, air-microphone, air-keyboards, and yes even the air-bass. Don't get me started on air-saxophone.
If you yell out "Play some Skynyrd", you deserve immediate castration. This isn't funny unless your name is either Beavis or Butthead. Shut the fuck up, we all know you've never heard Skynard. You think Earth Crisis invented music back in 1990. Don't give somebody another reason to stab you.
Don't be the buff steakhead dudes in the Jeep blasting Radiohead as you leave (or enter) the parking lot of the Radiohead show. WE KNOW YOU LIKE THE BAND! THAT'S WHY YOU ARE AT THE FUCKING SHOW CHAMP! HOW MUCH OF ONE BAND DO YOU REALLY NEED?! Actually just don't be the four buff guys in the Jeep at the show… period. This rule applies to everybody. You don't need to listen to the band you're going to see on the way to seeing them.
Tall dudes that stand at the front of the stage should have their testicles pureed. You're tall dumb ass, get in the back, or at least back a few rows.
Don't yell songs at the band, especially if it's not a super rare song or something. Yelling "ENTER SANDMAN" at the Metallica show is second only in retardation to drooling on yourself and walking really funny with a walker. NO SHIT THEY'RE GONNA PLAY ENTER SANDMAN DUDE. Keep it in your pants, they'll get to it in the 3rd encore. Heckling is ok.
Anybody who utters the word MOSH PIT deserves to die.
Don't take off your shirt. We know you're sweaty dude, taking off your wife beater isn't going to stop that.
Don't be that fat lame bitch that gets crushed at the front of the stage at the barrier. Every time there's a real big show, some grotesquely fat chick thinks it would be swell to get as close to the singer of Blink182 as possible, and that nobody else there has the same idea. 3 songs into the set, the bouncers have to pull her obese fainting ass over the barricade. Don't be this pathetic piece of pasty lard.
Don't buy those shirts in the parking lot from the dude who looks homeless… unless your idea of a good fitting shirt is about 1 foot long and 3 feet wide. Oh wait, that probably fits your fat ass perfectly.
No making out at shows. Get a room. Unless of course it's a Shat show, then it's ok.
People who stand outside the whole time, and never go inside to watch any of the bands should be shot in the face. Yeah bitch, we know you don't really like the music and just use your pseudo post emo look as a social façade to hopefully get laid and shit, but your presence at shows besides annoying everybody and making it harder to move around is useless. Go home and play on the internet and revise your makeout club profile you twat.
Don't be that guy who sells your zine at shows. We don't want to hear about your boring life, let alone have to pay money to hear about it.
Newsflash for kids starting a new band… it doesn't matter how many flyers you make for that first show you're playing at that coffeehouse… if you pass this flyer out to every last fucker in front of the show, NOBODY WILL CARE AND NOBODY WILL COME. We don't care about Shit Skittle's debut performance brah. It's almost as if the people passing out these flyers assume that people are walking out of the show thinking, "Gee, I really don't have anything to do at all next weekend. I wish there was some shitty show going on somewhere really out of the way with bands I've never ever heard of and don't know what they sound like that I could go to." It's not happening bro and never will. Keep practicing.
No crying.
When there's a brand new band that a lot of people seem real excited about that features ex members of other cool bands or something, and they don't have any releases out yet, just a demo, or a couple mp3's on their website or something, don't be the jackass at the front of the stage singing all the words. Yeah, yeah, we know you're the geeky super fan who likes these guys way more than everybody else. Just stop it cos you're making everybody want to vomit with your over apparent super fan enthusiasm.
"Moshers" who lose shoes, keys, wallets, etc. and then stop their kung fu fighting to try and look for those objects, then get globbered and fall to the ground…… no wait, keep doing that, it's funny.
Sometimes when your favorite band is playing their big hit as their last song, you think it's a good idea and really cool to jump up on the stage and dance with the band. You and about 50 other die-hard geeks. Well… we know you're real enthusiastic about the whole thing, but get your porky and dorky ass off the stage. The band doesn't want you up there that close to their equipment. Get off the stage fruitcake.
If you go up and begin conversation with the band while they're loading equipment out at the end of the night and you don't at least offer to help, you deserve to be cut into little fucking pieces. The band wants to get the shit in the van and get the fuck out of your dumb ass corn & wheat truckstop town, and you're not helping matters.
Street team people passing out the latest Mudvayne cassette sampler in front of the show should be crucified. Yeah, give me a tape dude. I want a fucking Mudvayne tape.